Coyote's Den

Another dream which had a profound, life-changing effect on me. Wolf came to me, and things have been different ever since.

I had this dream back in April of 2000. I've added a couple of notes, and removed some specific comments directed at the friends I initially e-mailed this to, but otherwise, it's the same document, warts and all. throughout the dream, I knew it was a dream... intellectually, but didn't really exert any real control over it.

This Dream felt important... I had to share it... at least some of it. One always should hold a little of a Dream back, to keep them sacred.

I was at a house that is often in my recent dreams... but I was preparing to leave. There was something coming that I wanted to avoid, somewhere in importance between federal agents breaking down the door, and moving out because a lease was up. (Note: later, after I had the dream, we ended up being forced to move in Early July, at the same time, I had to change jobs, and had a couple other disasters).

I was contemplating, very hard in this Dream (as I had been in waking life) where to go next. What to do. I had this feeling that something important lay ahead, but I could not "find the path".

There were LOTs of other people there... all friends... dear friends from my past, present, and I think the future. Among those present, Rors, t'shai, Howls, Chris Hales (a good friend), Timberwolf, Shadowfox, Trot, Guardian, Wontolla... and just too many more to count...

Anyway... I was walking around the edge of the yard of this house... and on one side of the property is a rather steep cliff face. Not the kind where you merely fall a while and go splat, either... but the kind that looks like it might be climbable... but where you are gonna bounce down many times, rapidly accelerating and getting mashed against rocks before you hit bottom.

I was standing on the edge of this cliff... earth crumbling under my feet, and suddenly had this feeling that it was time to go.... as if the crumbling cliff were my awaiting destiny, and I had to decide to go where it was showing me, however scary, or step away.

As I began to slide over the edge, everyone suddenly showed up... and someone... (I think Guardian), grabbed my hand to keep me from going over. I was very grateful that this loving friend was risking their life to try and save me... but saw that at any moment, I would fall, and take them with me. I knew that my destiny was before me and was unafraid (mostly), but didn't want anyone hurt with me. I called out for him to let me go... that it was my time.

He didn't want to at first, but suddenly seemed to be able to understand... he was still hesitant, and I was worried he'd fall, so I snarled to startle him into letting go, which he did.

I began to slide down the cliff face, trying to carefully retain my footing, going faster and faster. The lower I got, the steeper and more hazardous it got. Finally, I skidded to a halt, still unhurt, before a large drop. I could look back up and still see everyone looking over the edge to see if I was okay.

I looked over the drop, which looked like it MIGHT be survivable... maybe. I was wondering... "What does this mean? Why am I supposed to do this? I didn't die, at least not yet... what is the point of this dangerous journey?"

I heard a voice behind me... a deep and beautiful voice... resonant and unlike any human voice. The kind of voice you'd expect Aslan the lion to have had... the voice said "I can tell you why". It was the most beautiful, yet fierce and even terrible voice I've heard.

I turned around, and right there was an enormous and beautiful wolf. There was a faint sort of light or aura... but he was not ethereal... if anything he was MORE real than anything else. His face was even with mine, he was so huge. (NOTE: there was a sort of area surrounding Wolf, where everything seemed more real.. like there was a window from the Dream into someplace more real than even waking life).

I knew this was one of my Relations. And I knew this was a Power Being. I knew that everything around me was a dream, but that He was real. One of my first thoughts was "But I'm not a wolf person... I'm Coyote".

He seemed to tell me that didn't matter... I needed _him_ right now. He wanted to know if I knew what had to happen next, and I said "Yes, I do". He wanted to know if I was ready. I searched myself... there was still this tiny seed of doubt... but then I realized... if he is real... if Wolf is real, then the other things I know are real... and I realized I was afraid a tiny bit... but it was a vestigial fear... it didn't matter. My fear was small and powerless against me. Against Wolf. I knew it would be better if I had no reservation, no fear... but that my will would carry me through anyway... it would be good enough.

I knew he was there to help me. I had complete trust. In my life... I never trust anyone completely. Not even those I love best... there is always at least some tiny kernel of doubt. "What if they fail? what if they make a mistake, what if they don't know, what if they are weak in some way?" Or something. It's not that I don't love, trust or respect my loved ones.. it's just I never have unswerving, total, worry-free trust without reservation.

But with Wolf... I had that. I have never felt more free than at that moment where I knew that I could always trust Wolf. That he knew better than me at that moment, and would do right, and that I could have total, unselfish trust. I will carry that moment with me forever.

"I'm ready," I said. "Go ahead".

And he bunched up his muscles, and leaped... faster than thought. I felt his weight collide with me... almost in slow motion. I felt this huge warm, furry body against mine. I felt him close his fangs on my throat and shoulder. I felt the teeth go in, grind and crunch against bone... but there was nothing like pain... I knew that what was happening hurt... but it did not feel like pain.

His weight carried me over the edge. I knew that this was death. I knew this was not ending. I held on. I could see everyone up above, on the cliff's edge, watching.

There was no pain, or fear. Only trust, and love. Only rightness.

The darkness covered me. My consciousness fled. Even in the Dream.

And then I awoke... but it was a waking in the Dream.... I was at the top of the cliff again, in the house. I was being cared for by t'shai. I was a little confused... but I knew that things were right. That everything was right. Some fading echo of Wolf's voice told me that I might not understand what had just gone on yet... but soon all would be clear. That it might not be exactly as I expected, but I'd see before too long. And we began walking away from the house... down the road... several friends appeared from where they'd been waiting or doing things (I suspected that some stuff had happened to some of them in the meantime, but didn't know what), and we began walking together.

And when I woke... truly awoke... if there is such a thing as truly awakening... I felt peace.

I feel that this is somehow more important (at least in some ways) than any of the Dreams (capital 'D') I've had yet. Not a culmination.... but a marker of some important journey or beginning.

And I'm ready, in a way I've never been before, for whatever spirit holds for me.

I'm very independent. It's hard for me to let go... but I'm ready now for whatever leap is to come.

I trust again.