Coyote's Den

Note: I've evolved my beliefs on the necessity of forgiveness since I wrote this. I now have an understanding of why forgiveness, properly given, is important for people, families and societies. It does server a purpose when used properly with both rational thought and compassion. I still think people forgive, or expect forgiveness too readily, and often lose sight of what it means.

The Value of Forgiveness

an essay about the value of forgiveness... and about not giving it too lightly!

Something I've noticed... and it seems like a good thing on it's face... is that the culture most of us grew up in tells us we must feel obliged to offer forgiveness in order to be "good people". Is this actually a pagan tenet?

I think that we are encouraged to forgive too freely. It's not that I think we should never forgive... but that we should be a lot more circumspect and responsible about it.

If we allow someone to abuse us, and then say "It's okay... I forgive you"... I believe that's like saying "It's okay to abuse me." And by extension "It's okay to abuse others".

When we forgive someone for doing wrong... when they are not required to change or do anything meaningful... we are, I believe... advocating their behavior. We're saying it's okay. We're saying "It's all right to do that to me and to others". Forgiveness without adequate restitution is like a "Get out of Responsibility Free" card.

There really seems to be this feeling of _obligation_ to offer forgiveness. I don't think forgiveness should be an obligation on the part of the wronged party. I think it should be considered a noteworthy gift, when offered.

I think that any obligation should be felt by the wrongdoer... an obligation to EARN forgiveness.

Something else I've seen... is a tendency to forgive people for things that they have done to others. How can you do that? How can Jesus... just as an example... forgive someone for putting _my_ eye out (if that happened)? I once had someone ask me "I slept around on my spouse, who is your good friend... can you forgive me?" Of course I could not... I was not the wronged party... I had no right to forgive that person even if I wanted to.

Part of that feeling of obligation to forgive seems to compel some people to forgive people for personal flaws. "Oh... I'll forgive them because they just don't know any better" or "I'll forgive them because that's just the kind of people they are and they cannot help it". I'll cut someone a little slack for being ignorant... but not stupid or hurtful. I don't think there's any such thing as "I didn't know I should not hurt people".

I don't believe that people are inherently flawed. I extrapolate that to mean that I don't believe anyone has an inherent excuse for being a jerk. We're responsible for ourselves and our actions. I don't even believe too much of that "it's how they were raised" stuff. I know lots of people who were raised to hate Jewish people, or blacks, or gays... or "heathens"... who don't do it. Just because someone tells you "it's okay" doesn't mean it is.

I believe in forgiving someone when they have earned forgiveness. Then, maybe that forgiveness means something.

Also... Forgiveness, by itself is fairly useless as I see it.

It might make you feel better, it might make the other person feel better... but it doesn't undo whatever wrong was done. The wrong still happened. Forgiveness is, to me... FAR less important than making things right.

I think that forgiveness has much more value when it is a call to action. When it inspires someone to attempt restitution, or growth. When it is used as an inspiration to right a mistake... or in the case of unrightable wrongs, to become a better person.

Let's say that someone dumps toxic waste into a river. What do you say?

"Oh... you dumped toxic waste in the river.. well... I forgive you."

That won't clean the river.

I prefer the approach of "Clean that up, and show me you've learned your lesson and THEN I might forgive you."

I don't feel obliged to forgive. When I forgive someone... I want everyone to know that they must have earned it.

On the other side of it... if I do something is wrong... I will apologize, make restitution where possible... but I won't even expect forgiveness then. If the person wants to offer it... then I'm happy... but I don't generally ask for it. I think that I shouldn't have done whatever I did wrong in the first place... that was my obligation in the "social contract".

Yes, we all make mistakes... we all do stupid things at one time or another... but I think we go overboard in expecting that it's okay. My assumption is that it's NOT okay to do wrong... and that if I do wrong... I'm lucky to be given forgiveness.

All this forgiveness floating around freely seems, in my mind... to encourage people to do the same things over and over... even when they know they are wrong. How many beaten wives forgive their husbands over and over, and get beaten over and over?

Sometimes... whatever the person did wrong isn't a big deal... they should not have to do a whole bunch in order to make up for it.

"Oh... I got pizza on your pentacle, I'm sorry"

And if something's just an accident, and didn't hurt anyone... well... don't be all militant about your forgiveness either!

Forgiveness should be like a blessing, a favor, a special thing that is given in love or earned through effort. It should not be, in my opinion, something we feel obliged to give freely.

Forgiveness is there for a reason. It has a purpose. I just don't think that purpose is fulfilled by handing it out frivolously. Forgiveness should be something special.

When we forgive someone... it allows them to move on. It can allow us to move on. It can tell them... I feel that it is worthwhile to forgive you. It can allow two people or two groups to put past differences aside so that they may build a better future. We can forgive someone because the price of NOT forgiving is too high. We can forgive in order to prevent bloodshed or hate or to make new understanding possible. We can offer our forgiveness as an incentive to others to be better people.

I don't think we should ever forgive when doing so will allow, advocate or encourage harm, to ourselves or to others. Especially to others. You can choose for yourself to let something happen to you if you want... that's your business... but please don't tell anyone that it's okay for them to hurt me... or anyone else who didn't make that decision.

I don't think we should forgive anyone who we feel will use that forgiveness as an excuse or motivation to do harm.

To me, all this is part of "an it harm none".

Note... this is all my opinion... my way of thinking... that works for me. Your mileage may vary. And it may not be the right way of thinking for all situations. I sound inflexible, but I'm not. And if I was... that doesn't mean you have to be.