A Good Trick I Pulled

A friend once remarked that I wasn't terribly coyote-ish, because I don't seem to play tricks on people.

Heh.

At a pagan festival, one of the people in charge was often very overbearing and disrespectful of people. He managed to curl my lip many times. I'll call him Chuckles (not his real name).

Anyway, a couple years ago, some friends were running a major ritual event there, and the staff loaned them a walkie-talkie to help them coordinate with other people in the ritual - who were scattered across the rather large property the festival takes place on.

Anyway, apparently, someone tried to get in touch with them, but the thing was off, or on the wrong channel or something, so Chuckles huffs over and instead of just explaining the problem, snatches it away and tells them that they can't use it any more if they "don't know how to work it."

Well, it rapidly became a big pain coordinating. I ended up running back and forth several times across this 40-acre spot trying to relay messages and find people. Finally, I explained the problem to one of the other organizers, who gave me the go-ahead to get the walkie-talking back from Chuckles.

So, I find Chuckles and ask for the walkie talkie, and he holds it out to me with the ends of his fingers, like he's handing change to a vagrant, and sneers something about "try and see if you guys can remember to turn it on this time, huh? If you can't work a simple device, you should let someone else use it."

Right. Obviously the man needed a demonstration that we were capable of operating it properly, so he'd feel good about the distribution of resources. No problem! That's fair, right?

So... after I finished helping coordinate the event, I decided that maybe I should demonstrate that I knew how to operate the walkie-talkie properly.

I turned it to the channel used for the site coordinators and security staff - Chuckles' co-workers. I then wandered around, making conversation with whoever I ran into. The conversation starter was always "Hey, you know that guy Chuckles? I'd heard he was a decent guy, but he was a little funny to me just now. What do you think of him? Am I just being sensitive?"

And then I'd surreptitiously hold down the "talk" button on the walkie-talkie as they responded.

And of course, every single person I talked to immediately shared some anecdote about what a big, pompous jerk he was, how he'd been rude or high-handed, how they wished he wouldn't be put in charge of stuff, how he'd repeatedly complicated simple matters, or tried to operate dangerous equipment that he didn't know how to use and had gotten injured.

I did this for about forty-five minutes or an hour. Then I went back to Chuckles to bring him the walkie-talkie and tell him thanks, and that we were done with it, and that it worked well now that we knew how to use it.

As I handed it over, he was kind of ashen and pale, and didn't say a word - he just sort of nodded woodenly.

He was incredibly courteous to me after that.

I'm hoping that he simply didn't know how he was coming across to others, and that my little trick was a wake-up call that helped him learn to be more courteous.

But failing that, I'm hoping that all the rest of the staff who heard what came over the security channel got an earful. I notice that he didn't seem to get put in charge of a lot of stuff after that.

It's an old story, but I'm reasonably proud of it, and think it was a good trick.

And in this case, the trick didn't result in me losing my eyebrows, so, cool.

A Little About Coyote

The Easy Stuff
My interests include optimistic cynicism (things suck, but we can make them better), making fun of society, questioning authority, and spending far too much time at my computer. I also like to read, draw, play RPG's, study philosopy, folklore, the occult and history, and collect useless information of all sorts.

My Name
Yes, that's my name... I paid for it. I say so, and the court says so too. ; ) When someone asks me "No... really, what's your real name?", what I hear is "I would like to walk away with three shoes (guess where the third shoe goes?).

My Household
My mate, Coryn and I currently live with my dear friend Lo, also known as Feybitch on LiveJournal who took us in when we needed a home. She has described having us here as "Yay! It's like a slumber party that never ends!" We share our living space with four cats, three of Lo's and one of Coryns.

The Pets
Lo's precious felines are:

Dusk, a lovely and distinguished tortoiseshell lady. Her hobbies are lounging on the cushion pile in the living room, and reaching up your leg with her claws to indicate that she would like to be picked up and held. She is soft, cuddly, precious and adorable. Unless you are a rat... or... half a rat.

Maleficent (aka Molly), a kink-tailed and predatory black alley kitten (who, if we were small, and she were large, would consume us in a heartbeat). Her hobbies are dashing madly through the house attacking shopping bags, eating roaches, and leaping onto Genghis' face from hiding.

Genghis (aka Muffin, or Genghi-saur), a gorgeous, if corpulent Tonkinese bundle of love, who has the best disposition of any cat alive. His hobbies include sprawling on the arm of the couch, occupying all of your lap, wrestling with Maleficent, and foraging for food to support his eating disorder.

Coryn's cat is Carabas, a somewhat neurotic kitty with black and white "Tuxedo" markings. Carabas' hobbies include adoring Coryn, scratching me when I'm sleeping, meowing at the top of his lungs, scratching me when I try to pet him, chasing glow-bracelets, and scratching me from hiding at random moments. He also likes scratching me.

My Mate
My lifemate, boyfriend, love-of-my-life is Coryn, a lion therian who is a lot younger than I am, better looking, and a much snappier dresser. Sometimes, I'm not sure what he sees in me, but I'm glad he does. He looks like the character "Basch" from Final Fantasy XII. Really. Or possibly an anime villain.

The Community I'm Part Of
I have been a member of the therianthropic community for some years now... since about 1994-95. Like many others, I got my start in the community when I found the newsgroup alt.horror.werewolves. Sadly, that forum was eventually overrun by trolls and twits.

Luckily, there are new forums where therianthropes (or weres... "therianthropy" is such a mouthful) can discuss what it's like to be an animal person in a human world. And better yet, many of us have had the opportunity to meet other weres in person. It's not just an online community any more. Out of the ashes of our origins, we have emerged, more mature (usually) wiser (hopefully) and with our senses of humor intact (largely). Over the years, I've happily seen many new faces, and noted with sadness the passing into the next life of several of our number. I've seen sorrows and laughter and fights and marriages, and through it all I feel that I've grown to love the werecommunity all the more. Warts and all. Though I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel despair over some of what I've watched go on.

My own contribution to the community at large is the Werelist. Take a look. You'll find links, and if you register, can find contact info for weres around the world, as well as register your own.

I am also a member of the Long Beach Therians "clan". No, we're not really a "secret society" - mostly, we're a bunch of gamer-geeks. I'm not sure that "Long Beach Therians Clan" is an apropos name any more, since more than half of us no longer live in long beach, but... eh.

My Art
I like to draw, but I don't seem to get a lot of time for it somehow. Something always comes up. I've managed to crank out a couple sketches recently though. With a little luck, I'll do some more and get better at it. I've gotten to one of those "Omigawd, my old work sucks" stages and so I want to get some of my new stuff out there.

The Mundane
Over the course of my life, I have worked in the fields of laboratory work, marketing, product design, digital prepress, construction and newspaper delivery. I have been a printer, a prepress operator, a consultant, a publisher and a programmer. Until recently, I've lived mostly hand-to-mouth, skirting the ragged edge of monetary poverty. My day jobs have sometimes been fun, but never been fulfilling. They are merely something I do to keep food on the table. I much prefer being self-employed. Longer hours, but at least I'm my own slavedriver. My "career" has always been merely something that I do, rather than something that I am.

Recently, brain injuries from earlier in my life have come back to haunt me. I've lost a great deal of my color vision, and my short term memory and attention span are damaged enough that I am effectively joining the ranks of the disabled. I don't let little things get me down though. Some things I can't do anymore, but that just means a journey to find out what I Can do.

I tried, in the midst of my brain damage, to begin a small-press publishing company, Coyote Moon Publications, which unfortunately, I had to fold last year. I'm now in the process of attempting once more to get my feet under me and get a career. I'm attempting to build up a stable of web-programming clients, so if you know anyone who needs website work done, whether design and appearance, or server-side programming, please let me know.

The Mystical
As you may be able to gather, I feel a strong connection to coyotes. Call them my "power animal" if you like. So my pages contain references to both "regular coyotes" and to the legendary Coyote of Native American origin.

Coyote is, of course, a trickster. But he's also a hero, a warrior, a coward. He's lazy and resourceful. He's vicious and bitter and willing to walk to the land of the dead and back for those he loves. Coyote occasionally falls off a cliff, or sleeps with the wrong person, or makes "howlers" of mistakes... but he also slays monsters, gives fire, and brings people back from the dead. Coyote's done a lot of things, and has worn a lot of hats. Sometimes he's told lies, and sometimes he's been the only one who would tell the real truth. He is the mirror of our souls, the one who shows us our folly, the one who shows us the way. And best of all... Coyote lives in the world of mortals. That's his special trick.

I found my connection to my wereness as part of a lengthy journey. One that still continues. I've found myself in Dreams, in waking. I've seen my reflection in the eyes of others, and looked deep into the mirror too. I've run through the snow on four feet, and been shot, and awakened, sweating in my bed, wondering why I was still alive.

Dreams and Visions have had a huge impact on my life. While I live in the "real" world... I have come to recognize a certain realness that is very different than what we commonly experience. I've posted some of my dreams on this site.

I'm spiritual... and possibly have a mystical or mythic worldview at times. But I'm absolutely not religious. To me, spirit is something you experience, something you do, something you are part of... not something to be followed. I don't do a lot of rituals, and I don't worship in a church. Indeed, I don't worship. If other people want to do it, and that's their way, and it makes them happy... fine and good.

That Coyote Graphic in the upper corner
That little graphic is my rendition of Coyote juggling the stars. I'll probably end up getting it tattooed on my body some day.

My Vocation
I've dedicated myself to my calling as clergy. I'm a nondenomenational pagan, following a shamanic path, but I have also chosen a path of helping others. That means I'll offer advice and counsel if asked, and can perform weddings and other ceremonies. I believe that each person should be dedicated to their own spirituality, but nonetheless, I will offer advice where I can, and recommend things that you might do to help yourself. While I do not denigrate people that ask for money in exchange for counsel or spiritual "intervention", I do not do this myself. It's not something I would do for money.

Part of Coyote's job, given to him by Great Spirit is to "make things right". And we each must do this in our own way, to the best of our ability. I'll help where I can, and where I think it's right. You don't have to follow my path to ask for help, advice, or friendship, either. I'm the only one on my path anyway. ; ) And no, I don't have all the answers (obviously), but I'll do what I can.

Of course, I shouldn't have to tell you, the best person to go to for answers is yourself. Even when you go to another for advice, it's ultimately you that has to decide what's best in your own life.

My Life's Mission
When I think about the very core of my heart's desire for this lifetime, it can be summed up by:

"I want to do something good, and I want people to do it with."

I want to leave the world a better place than I found it, whether in a small or large way. I don't believe the world just happens to us. I believe we are all part of the world. And what we decide to do determines what kind of world we will have. I believe it is up to all of us to choose a better future, to strive for a world worth dreaming of.

Coyote on: Seeing the Future

As I've mentioned to a few people, sometimes I have dreams that end up coming true. It seems fairly unpredictable, and often, these prophetic dreams are about faitly mundane, seemingly unimportant stuff.

Mostly, I just get the end of movies ruined for me, before the movies are even made.

Occasionally, these dreams are about something fairly important, so I pay attention to them.

Anyway, once, while talking to Big Coyote, I decided to ask him about it.

Well, okay, actually I was asking him if he could reveal something useful about the future, like lottery numbers or whether I could expect a global societal collapse in a couple years or something.

He responded with: "How the hell should I know? Nobody can see the future!"

I responded that I knew it was possible to see the future, because sometimes I catch glimpses of it.

"Nobody can look into the future," he said with a wicked, conspiratorial grin, and leaning closer whispered, "but sometimes, you can send a message back."

How to know you are loved by Coyote

Coyote once spent a few hours explaining something convoluted to me.

The conversation was about trust, and about how to decide whether you could trust yourself, or someone else. It was a little complicated, I suppose, and I seem to recall we went around in circles a lot.

In any case, at the end of it, we had a little dialogue that went something like this:

Coyote: Well, I guess you can tell that I must love you.

Me: Really? How so?

Coyote: Because we've had this whole conversation and you aren't missing an eye.

It's good to be loved.

Some of the worst things I've ever said

Have you ever said something that came out wrong, or was so inappropriate that you were embarrassed years later?

I'd like to claim that it's the Coyote medicine that occasionally causes me to say the worst thing imaginable without even trying. But most likely it's because my brain sometimes engages the language function without the thinking or tact function.

Here are some of the things I've said that I regret the most:

Things where I meant to say one thing, but somehow said another.

To a female friend

What I think I _meant_ to say:*
If I were straight, I would have slept with you anytime.
(We'd been discussing the young lady's high libido and joyful unrepentant approach to sexuality)

What came out of my mouth:
I could have slept with you anytime.

Which is probably one of the most disrespectful things I could possibly have said, on so many levels, that sometimes, I actually wake up in the middle of the night, horrified that those words actually came out of my mouth and went into anyone's ears, much less someone who I consider practically a goddess.

*I'm not entirely sure what was going through my mind (which was in a disorganized state at the time)... what I said was so utterly unlike anything that I would even think of, much less say, that I can't even begin to explain it or entirely fathom it.

---

To a friend who was grieving after the loss of a beloved grandparent, and who remarked that the thing that made it all so hard to deal with was that "it all happened so quickly."

What I _meant_ to say (two separate things):
A: It was better for him, perhaps, that his death was not lingering and slow.
B: You would have wanted what was best for him, wouldn't you?

What came out of my mouth:
A+B Combined: "What would you want him to die slow?"

Things where I just blurted out something without really considering the impact or appropriateness

The situation:
I met a friend I had not seen in years, at a public party-style event, which included an art gallery. The friend had apparently just taken a powerful hallucinogen that they were unfamiliar with, and was kind of having a rough trip. I was hoping to cheer them up by being charming and witty.

What I said:
I pointed to a picture of a kali-like, skull-covered undead-looking female figure that was done in the style of H.R. Giger, and said (thinking myself witty), "Actually, that sort of reminds me of my mom a little."

My friend took a look at the picture, turned back to me and horror, and said something like "I don't know what's worse! That you would think that, or that you'd say that to someone!"

What I was thinking:
I did not actually mean what I said, I was just being flip. The picture was so dark and horrific, that the obvious thing to say seemed to be "Aww... it looks like mom!" I am such a geek, sometimes.

---

The situation:
A friend had just gotten back the first copies of their first small-press publication that they had spent a year producing, and had painstakingly typeset and laid out from scratch using pre-computer cut and paste methods. It had been a huge undertaking, and finally, they had a finished product in their hands.

What I said:
It looks about how I expected it would.

What I was thinking:
I was thinking that with all the work they put into it, overcoming all sorts of difficulties, lack of funds, and lack of equipment, that they'd done an amazing job. Since the friend is a perfectionist, I could expect little more than that it would look really good. Needless to say, what they heard was "I expected it would look this crappy."

---

While there may be some humor value in this stuff, for the most part, I feel so awful about the above incidents, that they will bother me in the middle of the night, even years later. If I dwell on them a little, it's to remind me to be very careful what I say, lest I really hurt someone's feelings when I don't want to.

Ten Things about Me

This was originally one of those memes that goes around LiveJournal.

TEN random things about me:

10. I doubt my sanity often
9. I once ate a flour beetle to prove they are harmless
8. I like music but can't stand listening to it
7. I'm moody, but not as bad as I was
6. Stuffed, roast breast of veal is one of my favorite foods
5. I've read more books than I can remember
4. I'm old enough to remember stuff that's in history books
3. I want to save the world. No. Really.
2. I'm decent at almost everything I do, but I don't think I'm _very_ good at anything
1. I believe in the supernatural, but I also believe that 99.99999% of what people babble about it is bullshit

NINE ways to win my heart:

9. Do a good deed for no reward other than doing it
8. Face something you are afraid of
7. Trust me without doing it blindly
6. Try to make the world a better place
5. Appreciate Beauty, whatever you think beauty is
4. Laugh without using laughter to injure someone
3. Love my friends
2. Do the right thing
1. Care

EIGHT things I want to do before I die:

8. Pass on a useful and practical philosophy
7. Make the world a better place
6. Have a real home
5. Have a family/pack who I trust wholeheartedly
4. Make sense of the mysteries in my life
3. Write books
2. Be able to touch and hold the things I believe in, and not just have to take them on faith
1. Satisfy my unsatisfied hungers completely, so that for at least a while I can feel sated, instead of always feeling like I've gotten just a taste

SEVEN ways to annoy me

7. Derive pleasure from hurting or belittling others
6. Make definitive statements regarding things about which you clearly know nothing
5. Trample or abuse something or someone I appreciate
4. Fail to give a shit about the consequences of your actions
3. Do stupid things that you know are stupid and then complain when they bite you
2. Tear down things when others (like me) are trying to build them up
1. Get in my way when I'm trying to do something difficult

SIX things I believe in:

6. Life's longing for itself
5. That the Creator isn't blind, cruel or nonexistent
4. That there is a best self in everyone, and they can choose to feed and be that best self
3. That what we do matters.
2. That the things we love in our core, and which our souls find Beauty in strike us that way for a good reason.
1. That there's always a way, if we stick together

FIVE things I'm afraid of:

5. That people will never live up to their best potential
4. That the people who don't give a shit, or who act out of greed, callousness or cruelty will win
3. That I'll try to do something good and only pass on some fatal flaw
2. That I won't be up to the tasks I've set for myself or that have been set for me
1. That I'll never really get anyone to stand by my side when something is too big for me alone

FOUR of my favorite items in my room

4. My bed
3. My little stuffed Coyote, Vincent, that my good friend Timberwolf gave me
2. My starry coyote blanket my friend Wontolla gave me
1. My mate, Coryn

THREE things I do everyday

3. Bitch
2. Think long and hard about the world, ethics, practicality, spirit, and all that other philosophically-stuff
1. Consume things that are bad for me in a vain effort to be more alert

TWO things I want to do right now:

2. Fall asleep
1. Finish the 8-zillion projects I have pending, both responsibilities and chosen for delight

ONE person I want to see right now:

1. There are too many people I want to see right now.

What Coyote Looks Like

I am occasionally asked for pictures of what I look like. I don't take a lot of pictures, and when I do, it's not usually pics of myself.

Here, however, are some I'm particularly proud of.

This is a picture of what I look like now, with the shaved head.

This is a picture of me with long hair, dressed up nicely.

This is a picture of me, taken a few years ago, about to take my godson, Xander, trick or treating with his mom, Alexandra. Xander is the three-foot-tall pirate, I'm the six-foot parrot, and Alexandra is the busty wench.

The things I'll do for family. Polly want an aspirin.

Why is my name Coyote?

Why is my name Coyote?
So Glad You Asked

(I wrote this quite a while ago, but reading it over, there's not much I'd change. Except that I now try not to use so many ellipses when I write).

Well.... partly... it's that I was using the name for many years. My friends began calling me Coyote years and years ago. Partly, I am sure, this is because I was the only Coyote they knew. There were a couple friends who just always knew.

I need to call myself something... and while names are just labels (and I coulda chosen from a zillion of them)... this was the one I felt easiest and most comfortable with. It was accurate, and people called me that anyway.

In one sense... a name (can be) the spoken version of who you are... or what you are choosing or have been chosen to be. To Europeans, it seems that a name is just something you are called, in a sense. Most folks don't even know what their name means... it was chosen because someone else was named that in their family... or it was chosen because it was pretty. Sometimes it's chosen because of a one-line definition in a baby book.

But to me... my name is a symbol for who I am, what I do, what gives my life meaning. I was given my name a long time ago. I was given my name for a reason, and I accepted it for a reason. Now... the name could be translated, pronounced different, or rendered into other languages or signs. The essential spirit of who and what I am remains.

Sometimes, people change their names as they themselves change. For me... keeping the name I have has been part of a sign of my connection to that original ineffable "beingness" of me. And also a sign that I remember what I agreed to, and have not given up or turned away.

The reason that I have chosen Coyote, and not a more specific seeming name is partly because the label part of a name is used to try and communicate a meaning to others. If I were " Coyote" I know people would kind of write it off as if that were somehow "just a name".

I draw a very close connection between my real physical self and my "mythic" self. I think of the greater part of Coyote "out there" as well as the 'regular old me" that is "in here".

Sometimes... Coyote... (and by this I can mean me... or I can mean THE Coyote) is Bitter Coyote, or Black Coyote, or Old Coyote. And I do believe that I, in this human form, as this person, relate more specifically to those certain aspects of Coyote. But I try not to confuse the issue of whether I'm really this or that Coyote. I'm just me.

I think, when I meet up with enough other bits o' Coyote and we all have to deal with each other a lot... I might choose a new label for myself... a new spoken name to make it clearer which part of Coyote I am. Heh... or maybe we'll all decide it's fun to call each other "Coyote", just to confuse everyone.

Hmmm... all of this sounds really schizo. Oh well. Life's tough.

Suffice to say... I believe I am a part of Coyote. An easy way to put it would be that I am a "fragment" thereof... perhaps a more accurate analogy would be that I believe that I am an expression of Coyote, in the material world, in a human body. Obviously, I'm not ALL of Coyote. Coyote's a big ol spirit, and not all of him/it/me would fit in this thing. Hell... feels like I've stuffed my head in a thimble. This thing sucks. And you call this fur? Blah! But I digress.

I call myself Coyote, partly, because it's demeaning to say "Hi! I'm Coyote's Left Hand!" or "I'm Coyote's right pinky toe!"

Yeah... I think of myself as a coyote... the animal... I identify with that more strongly, in many ways, than I do with being human. I've lived as a coyote (Yes Virginia, I believe in reincarnation). I lived as a coyote a lot longer than I ever lived as a human, and never put it behind me. I've lived as other critters too, of course... I've been a wolf many times for instance... but if I have to identify myself, inwardly... I remember myself as coyote. Being a wolf never changed that. Being a human hasn't either.

But... I also identify myself mythically in a sense.

In my first big vision in this life... Coyote came to me to embrace me, to remind me of who I was... and to show me that I was Coyote.

I guess this is why I defend the mythics, like dragons and manticores, et al... because I too am one. I too have my roots in mythic consciousness, as well as having lived like reg'lar folks.

I see myself as Coyote... and so that's my name. I was given that name, and it's mine. (No unspoken neener neener neener).

I've also met Coyote(s) (note when I use capitals) on the road* several times. I've seen (and sought) Coyote as an external being in Dreams and visions, even though I AM, in a sense, Coyote.

The first Coyote who came to me was Red Coyote. Red Coyote was the old, spiritually pure, loving spirit from the vision (described in my werecard) where I came to know who I was. He was the one that showed me myself. Black Coyote has been in my Dreams several times too... Black Coyote more often gives me warnings, and has hinted at hidden powers or hidden things (often bad things). Black Coyote often appears as a puppy or young creature, who I protect even as he protects me.

I've also seen Coyote-Walking-as-a-Man. Generally, I think he's the one I follow... the one I never quite seem to catch up with. When I briefly get close... he often looks surprised (though not unhappy) to see me.... before he vanishes or I lose him again.

I've also met other Coyote folks in my time... and some of them I think are... well... others like me. Other expressions of Coyote in the world. I don't need to name names, do I? If ya cannot tell, ya probably don't need to know. Besides... I'd hate to spoil the surprise.

So... why do I go by the name "Coyote"? Well... because it's my name. (Look... it's even on my driver's license).

*By the way... Coyote is not Buddha... yer supposed to meet Coyote on the road... so don't kill him. That happens all the time and it's really annoying. Try it, and yer gonna learn that the sound of one hand clapping sounds suspiciously like a smack upside the head.